Gonna Make That Pleasure Last
by David S. Hersh, Ed.D., FAACS
copyright 1991 2nd edition
A manual for men who ejaculate too quickly.
PREFACE
Nothing you will read in this
manual is new. Nothing has been invented by me. I have no magic answers
or cures. You can learn new behaviors. Contrary to the adage, old dogs
can learn new tricks.
During the time I have done
sex therapy, I have read many articles and books about treating "premature
ejaculation", or coming too quickly. While there are a number of
accepted techniques, each author has his or her preferred variations.
I present my program to you.
If you are partnered, please
have your partner read this manual before you begin, so she will understand
your learning process, be patient, and be able to be cooperative. You
must first contract with your partner that there will be no intercourse
until the manual permits. However, do continue other forms of emotional
or physical closeness during this learning period. And, make sure you
are in good health and do not have an untreated medical condition.
CHAPTER 1
There is
a "cure."
Congratulations! Well, it's
about time you decided to do something about your "problem." It's been
bothering you (and your partner) since way back when.
I know it's difficult to face
an issue that so strongly confronts our culture's idea of masculine control.
But, every man at some time in his life ejaculates (comes) before he wants
to. Even those men who "never have the problem" sometimes slip, lose awareness
of sensation, and come too quickly.
These are not the dark ages
of sexual research, and you will benefit from some of the things we have
learned. In the past, we knew less of the sexual response cycle, and men
who came too quickly saw little hope of finding a cure. Local anaesthetic
ointments and creams do not work! Psychoanalysis is also ineffective for
this problem! You are not crazy, and you are not alone!
Chances are that you are one
of the 90 percent of men who will learn to overcome this disabling and
dissatisfying condition within a few months. The results of this program
are so good that it is exciting to know that you (and your partner) will
be on the road to greater sexual fulfillment in a relatively short time.
Remember, it took you a lifetime to get to this point, so it will take
a little time to learn new techniques.
I know that reading a long
book does not seem exciting. So, I have left out the technical material
that many people find boring. If you want the details, there are many
fine books on sexuality in your local library that will fill in what this
manual is missing. This short manual will serve as a guide to you (and
your partner). There are no great secrets involved and no mysteries. Yes,
it will really work! You may not succeed immediately, but:
DO NOT GIVE
UP!
Learning takes time. Learning
includes trial and error. If you are learning this program with the help
of a therapist, he/she will guide you through difficulties and help you
to strictly follow directions, or make modifications when necessary.
On occasion, deeper emotional
problems or relationship issues may interfere with your progress. Those
issues will be discussed during your counseling sessions. Remember, most
males are not born with the skill to be able to control their ejaculations.
And, except for Canadians, most people are not born on ice skates!
This brief manual does not
address all of the considerations that may arise during this learning
experience. Therefore, it is important that you (and hopefully your partner)
will continue contact with your therapist to help iron out some of the
kinks that may arise.
Begin with trust
and proceed with love.
Good luck.
CHAPTER
2
As Sgt. Joe
Friday said, "Just the facts, Ma'am!"
Simply speaking, your problem
is that at, or shortly after, penetration into your partner's vagina with
your penis, you come, before you and your partner desire it.
Why does this happen? Throughout
the animal kingdom, intercourse takes a very few seconds from penetration
to ejaculation to withdrawal. No animal, other than man, cares how long
it takes. So, it is normal and natural for a healthy male to ejaculate
quickly. The evolutionary principal of natural selection suggests that
the animal who could ejaculate quickly would survive over slower animals
who were thus exposed to attack from other animals. Since man has become
socialized, it has become expected that he should dine instead of eat
and make love rather than copulate.
1. Most males have only one
ejaculation per sexual encounter.
2. Seventy-five percent of
all males come within two minutes after penetration.
3. Most intercourse in our
culture is done in the male-above, "missionary" position.
4. Many people have never tried
any other position, though the missionary position is the most difficult
in which to control the ejaculation.
5. Seventy-five percent of
women do not achieve orgasm through vaginal penetration, no matter how
long intercourse lasts.
There are three phases to the
sexual response cycle:
1. Excitement (the increase of physical and mental stimulation of sexual interest, erection
in the male, lubrication in the female);
2. Plateau (enjoying
the feeling of high arousal, "scratching the itch");
3. Orgasm (the
release, coming).
For men with inadequate ejaculatory
control, the excitement rises too quickly, and there is no time to enjoy
the feeling before the release. This program is designed to help you to
choose when to come. It will help you to slow the excitement phase and
lengthen the plateau phase. That's what you want, isn't it?
CHAPTER 3
Why me?
Except in very rare instances,
coming too quickly is not a physical problem, though recently some medical
treatments have been used successfully to assist some men with this problem.
You are not sick, wrong or broken! The most usual cause is a lack of sexual
sensory awareness.
Men who come too quickly have
never developed a reliable sense of what their genitals feel like when
they are highly excited and about to come. It is this lack of sensory
awareness that is a major cause of the poor ejaculatory control.
Certain factors may have helped
create your problem. Ask yourself these questions:
1. Do you get too excited too
quickly?
2. During sexual exploration
in your young years, were you fearful of getting caught, and thus you
learned to rush things? (Remember the back seat of the car or the living
room couch while her parents were out of the house?)
3. Were your early experiences
with a prostitute who encouraged you to hurry?
4. Were you trying to "perform"
for the woman, trying to get it "right?"
5. Do you feel guilty about
masturbation and sex in general?
Are there deeper psychological
causes of coming too quickly? For some men there are. These are issues
for further personal counseling. What are some of them?
1. Antisexual Information
from Childhood. I have found that a most destructive factor in
an individual's sexual personality is religious orthodoxy and the antisexual
messages given by it.
2. Family Scarring. A humorous definition of parenting is "passing mental illness to the next
generation."
3. Relationship Factors. Are other nonsexual issues with your partner invading the bedroom? Is
there an inability to communicate with your partner about sexual issues,
fantasies, and preferences?
While counseling is recommended
for a variety of deeper concerns, and insight is helpful in understanding
the basis for some of the possible causes of your difficulty, in this
instance you will have to deal with your symptom directly in order to
gain control. And, you will be able to gain awareness and control and
experience a natural, easy enjoyment of intercourse, and you will be able
to ejaculate when you choose.
CHAPTER 4
Let Me Tell
You About Dr. Kegel
Dr. Anrold Kegel, a gynecologist,
developed exercises known, not surprisingly, as "Kegel Exercises."
They were designed for women, to help them strengthen the vaginal muscular
contractions and improve their sense of self-awareness. Many women have
found them to be helpful in improving their sexual enjoyment.
These exercises are easily
adapted to men and should provide a similar strengthening of pelvic muscles
and awareness of sensation in the genital area. The muscle I am speaking
of is that muscle you use to stop the flow of urine. Try urinating and
stopping the flow. Note that it is not the same muscle you use to tighten
your anus.
Now that you have identified
this muscle, the exercise is to contract it firmly for one or two seconds
and then release it. This is repeated in a series of ten contractions
several times a day for maximum results. Do it! It will make a difference.
How do you
get to Carnegie Hall? Practice, practice!
You will need to gain
full sexual sensory awareness. This will be accomplished by a
series of exercises which you will practice, first alone and then with
your partner.
Our goal is not to reduce the
sensitivity, but to prolong the enjoyable sensations and learn to stay
aware and in control while being highly aroused. Isn't that what you and
your partner want, too?
The method we will use was
first described in 1956 by a urologist, Dr. James Semans. It is called
"The Stop-Start Technique."
A word to the wise:
1. You must give yourself time
to learn.
2. Learning includes trial
and error and constant repetition.
3. If you just try the exercises
a few times and then stop for a few weeks, you will not learn.
4. Unless you are ready to
do the exercises consistently, step by step, at least two or three times
every week, they will not do you any good, and you will simply end up
frustrated and discouraged.
Step 1
FOCUS
Masturbation
is the first key to success.
1. Find a comfortable place
and time so that you will not be disturbed.
2. Allow plenty of time so
that you can relax and attend to yourself only.
3. Begin to masturbate in
your usual manner, whatever way that might be. Some men stroke the penis
up and down. Some rub the penis on the bed, between the thighs, or between
pillows. Some lie in bed on their back, side, or stomach. Some stand or
sit, or do it in the shower. They use a light or firm stroke, stroking
just the tip or the whole shaft. Some use a vibrator, other devices or
lubricants for a variety of stimulations. Do it your way.
4. Now, slow the process just
a little, and try to focus on the pleasurable sensations in your penis
as you stimulate yourself and as your excitement rises. With your "mind's
eye", try to pay attention to what it feels like just before you come
(at the "point of no return"). Let go and enjoy your orgasm. That's it
for today. Do not masturbate again today.
Step 2
STOP-START
A day or two later, masturbate
again under the same relaxed conditions. This time, regardless of what
your usual way is, use just your hand.
1. Begin stimulation.
2. Stop stimulating yourself
when you reach a high level of arousal, near ejaculation. Stop for a few
seconds only but not long enough to lose your erection.
3. Then start stroking the
shaft and the tip of the penis again. Interrupt this process three times,
each time your arousal gets high. Let yourself come on the fourth time
as freely as you can.
4. During this exercise, try
to concentrate on the pleasurable feeling of your penis
during excitement. Do not try to hold back your ejaculation. Simply try
to find a point of high arousal.
5. Repeat this exercise at
least every two or three days until you become familiar with the sensations
of pleasure and rising arousal. This is the beginning of learning to control
your ejaculation. It may take some time.
6. Do not progress to the next
step until you are in touch with the sensations that you are receiving
during masturbation. Each man is different, and I cannot predict how long
this process will take.
Step 3
WET STOP-START
Only when you have acquired
mastery of Step 2 should you go on.
This next step is exactly the
same, except that you are to use a lubricant on your penis. Use a water-soluble,
liquid lubricant. Check with your therapist or pharmacist for suggestions.
Never use Vaseline or any petroleum-based product for sexual purposes.
The purpose of this step is to simulate the moistness of the vagina.
Begin to masturbate using the
directions from Step 2. Only when you are able to last for about three
minutes before you stop, are you ready for the next step. This is not
an exact measurement. Again, the main concern is to be able to concentrate
on the feeling of pleasure and not the time involved. With patience, you
will get a sense of the time.
Step 4
SLOW-FAST
This is the same as Step 3,
except that, instead of stopping when you reach a high arousal level,
you are just to slow down the pace of your stroking. Remember to use a
lubricant. At first you may have to slow almost to a stop before you gain
control, but after a few repetitions you will catch on and be able to
vary your speed. This will be important when you enter your partner's
vagina. You will eventually find that this technique is an important part,
leading to successful intercourse.
Step 5
STAYING AROUSED
By this time, you will be much
more familiar with the sensations you receive during masturbation. This
step simply practices all you have learned and is designed to allow you
to enjoy your masturbation freely. At this point, you should now be able
to employ FOCUS, STOP-START, WET STOP-START, and SLOW-FAST, all according
to your own desires. Practice these until you are comfortable with all
the variations. Regular masturbation is the healthiest way to learn expertise.
I suggest doing the exercises at least two or three times a week. And
remember, no intercourse just yet.
Step 6
HELLO, PARTNER
Hopefully, you have discussed
this program with your partner. It is important that she understand that
you are engaging in a structured process that will eventually lead to
greater sexual pleasure for both of you. Now is the time for her direct
involvement.
It is most important to set
the sexual scene so that it is relaxed and uninterrupted. No TV, no telephone,
no kids. Shower together and get into bed with the lights on low.
1. Begin your usual kissing
and caressing until you have an erection.
2. When you are erect, your
partner should begin to masturbate you. At this point, you are not to
return her caresses but simply enjoy the stimulation you are receiving,
and you are to focus on those sensations.
3. When you are highly aroused,
but before you get to the "point of no return" (you now know what that
feels like from previous steps), ask her to stop.
4. When you feel in control
again, have her start stimulating you again. Repeat this procedure three
times and then freely ejaculate.
5. Practice this step at least
two or three times a week, until you feel confident that you are gaining
control with her hand. Then repeat this step using lubricant. Again, practice
at least two or three times a week until control is achieved.
If during practice you continued
stimulation too long and ejaculated, do not worry; you have not failed.
You will learn control. It does take time.
Don't neglect your partner.
Let her know that you are pleased to give her sexual attention with your
hand, mouth, vibrator, or dildo, either before or after your orgasm, but
continue to refrain from intercourse.
Step 7
QUIET VAGINA
After you have gained control
during masturbation with your partner, it is time to learn to become aware
of the sensations that occur during penetration.
1. Begin your sexual session
as usual, and have her stimulate you until you are firmly erect but not
too aroused.
2. Your partner will then sit
astride you and insert your penis into her vagina. She sits quietly without
moving, with your penis inside her. This will allow you to focus on the
feeling of being contained within her.
3. Then, with your hands on
her hips, gently guide her movement up and down to increase arousal, but
have her stop movement before the "point of no return." Have her sit still
until you calm down, but not to the point of losing an erection. Then
begin again. Repeat this exercise twice and let yourself come on the third
time.
Practice, practice!
Step 8
THE "T-POSITION"
When you have gained control
using the female above position, it is now time to try another one.
1. Following your usual foreplay,
your partner will lie on her back with her legs open.
2. You will lie on your side
(left or right) at approximately a 90-degree angle to her and position
yourself so that you can penetrate her with your penis, adjusting both
partners' legs in a comfortable position.
3. Begin with penetration and
no movement. Then add movement, but stop before you are too highly aroused.
Repeat this exercise twice and let yourself come on the third time.
Practice, practice!
Step 9
JUST A LITTLE
BIT SLOWER
After you have gained control
by stopping before you get too highly aroused, you should now practice
moving more slowly when the arousal gets high, rather than stopping. You
will be able to do it.
You are at the point where
further refinements may be discussed with your therapist or worked out
on your own. When you get to this point, you have begun to find sexual
intercourse a natural, relaxing, pleasurable, loving experience. Enjoy
it. You are getting to know your body and its sensations.
CHAPTER 5
Why didn't
it work?
If you find that your control
is not progressing as you hoped it would, there may be some ways that
the program is being sabotaged. Here are a few of the possible reasons
why you are having difficulty.
1. Have you really made a commitment
to doing the program on a regular basis? Regularity is essential.
2. Are you getting anxious
about failure? All learning includes trial and error. It takes time.
3. Are you rushing on to the
next step before you have really mastered the current step? You are wasting
your time and effort. This will only create more frustration. It took
you a lifetime to get to this point Relax, learning takes time.
4. Are you still trying to
hold back your ejaculation using the old habits that don't work? (Are
you thinking about hockey?) Remember, we are seeking to increase awareness
and enjoy, not distract.
5. Is your partner fully cooperative
in the program? Does she want you to gain control? Does she want to have
satisfying sex with you?
6. Are you providing loving
sexual stimulation for your partner's satisfaction, either before or after
your exercises? It is important that your program should not simply become
a chore for her. Remember, sex is stimulating for her too, and there are
ways to provide sexual pleasure other than intercourse.
7. Are some non-sexual aspects
of your relationship interfering with your progress? Are you arguing about
finances, the kids, housework?
8. Are either you or your partner
making excuses for not doing the exercises? Are you bored with the program?
9. Do you really want to learn
to change your behavior?
Your therapist is there to
help you with this program and you are urged to stay in contact whenever
there are questions.
About the Author
David S. Hersh, Ed.D., FAACS, is a Clinical and Consulting Sexologist and Psychotherapist in private
practice. Board certified by the American College of Sexologists and the American Board of Sexology, a Founding Fellow of the American
Academy of Clinical Sexologists, a founder of the Sex Therapy Consortium in San Francisco, CA, and licensed in California by the Board of Behavioral
Sciences as a Marriage and Family Therapist, he has practiced in California
since 1966 and British Columbia since 1990. He is Associate Professor
of Sexology at the Institute for Advanced Study of Human Sexuality.
He is a Registered Clinical Counsellor with the British Columbia Association
of Clinical Counsellors.
Dr. Hersh is listed
in The International Who's Who in Sexology (1st ed.), and he is a member
of the Society for the Scientific Study of Sexuality (SSSS), and
the Sex Information and Education Councils of the United States (SIECUS)
and Canada (SIECCAN). He has also served as Educator for Planned
Parenthood Association of BC - Nelson Branch.
Dr. Hersh is available for
private consultation by appointment.
David S.
Hersh, Ed.D., FAACS
317 Silica Street Nelson, B.C. V1L 4M4 Canada
Canada (250) 352-0151
E-mail: Dr_Sex@netidea.com
Website: http://Doctor-Sex.org